TO BE ME IS TORTURE

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I’m sure you are reading that title and thinking I’ve gone too far. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself.. 

But I want to be real with you. This is actually how I felt for many years. I literally felt like being me was the worst thing that could happen. Is it sad? Maybe. Is it disappointing? Possibly. 

But I’m not trying to get sympathy. I also don’t give a shit about what you think. I know it’s different than how I’m “supposed” to think. I get that. But now, I am in a different frame of mind. 

I used to lie to get attention. Or lie to get people to like me. I would soak up any sympathy that could be offered. I wanted people to notice me... 

Until I got noticed. I got noticed in high school. FINALLY…you might be thinking because that’s all I wanted. But no. I got noticed on a lie. 

You see, I had fabricated a story that struck a nerve of someone I used to be very close to. She knew it wasn’t true. She knew that I was lying.... 

The way she handled this was not something I would recommend. She took the time to make sure everyone in biology class knew about my lie. She made sure to say it loud and clear. Then preceded to say things like, “Oh you want to do that during our dissection? Are you sure you aren’t just making that up?” 

One of the statements she said was very hurtful. She said, while looking me in the eye, and I will never forget it. “You would be better off leaving and never coming back. I will make sure everyone knows you’re a liar. You will be better off dead.” 

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I was mortified. Embarrassed. Ashamed. I left biology in tears with everyone laughing and pointing. I went to bathroom. I called my mom to come and get me. 

I felt horrible for making up a story to get people to like me. I felt even worse that someone had told me I should die. 

So. I considered it. This was the first time I’d considered ending it all. But then I realized that this “friend,” regardless of the fact I was not telling the truth, was trying to push me to end my life.  

She wanted to ruin the rest of my high school experience. She wanted me to be miserable.  

I let her taunt me, bully me, parade my lie to the world on social media, through the halls, in whispers. I dealt with this for 2 full years. 

Please, don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve learned from this. But please be careful of your words. Words can have the power to end a life of a vulnerable teenager.  

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