I’ve shared with you about my sexual assault. How I felt emotionally, what it did to me mentally....but I’ve never shared with you what actually, truly happened with my vagina.
You see, my sexual assault took so much from me. Notice I claim it...it’s “mine.” I still define myself by it. I cannot seem to let go of my broken vagina...even though I’ve gotten treatment...even though I’m able to manage the symptoms...it’s still broken to me.
That’s one of the biggest reasons I feel SO greatly about seeing counseling when you have pelvic floor dysfunction. We cannot just ignore it.
So, back to it....
After my sexual assault, I was in so much pain. Everything hurt. I literally could not sit down, let alone move. Mind you, I did not go to the emergency room afterwards due to the fear of “him” hurting me again or nobody believing me. I went home, took a shower and scrubbed every inch of my body...except for my vagina.
Don’t worry, I cleaned it....but I couldn’t touch it.
The next day, I also noticed a LOT of blood and I was peeing myself.... but I didn’t really care. Because I was broken.
For MONTHS that led into YEARS I felt broken. I couldn’t have sex because of the intense pain I was feeling..........which made every relationship I had fall apart.
I peed myself often.....making it too embarrassing to go to gyms or to public places due to embarrassment, shame, guilt...
My vagina was broken.... it was literally broken and I was convinced that I would never be the same and I’d never have good vagina health again.
I was convinced no man would ever love me because I could not have sex with him.
I was broken and convinced I was going to die that way.
If you’re reading this and can relate.... please know just one thing....your vagina is not broken. You are not broken.
For over 10 years I let this ruin me. I hid from people, I hid in shame, guilt, embarrassment. I was sleeping around just to “feel” something...in hopes it would eventually feel like everyone else does.
I just want you to know I found help....there is help there for you too. You can heal, we both deserve that much.