Come on... you know you wanna have some better orgasms! Who doesn't?!
***PLEASE note this is not medical advice, if you do want to see a provider to see if we can help you please click HERE***
For Better Orgasms: Understand YOUR Genitals
**Don't worry, I give myself permission to post this photo.
Okay, this might be something that makes you uncomfortable. But it shouldn’t.
You have genitals. I have genitals. Men have genitals... We should be comfortable enough knowing that they are a part of our body so we should be able to speak about them.
But just knowing you have them isn’t the best option for having better orgasms. You should UNDERSTAND your own body.
I want you to read this blog. Get a hand mirror or a full length mirror. Go into your bedroom or the bathroom. And LOOK.
Look and decide on the things that make you uncomfortable to look at. Is it the hair? Is it the color? Is it discharge?
If it makes you uncomfortable, understand that you were born with love for your body. But society has taught us we all are supposed to be the same. If we are not the same, then something is wrong, says society.
As long as you are not experiencing pain or symptoms, you have perfectly normal and perfectly beautiful genitals. I want you to know that.
Understand that what you are looking at in the mirror is your VULVA, the opening/birth canal is your VAGINA.
Clients ask me all the time. Why in the world is looking at my vulva going to help me have a better orgasm?
My answer: Because we were taught to feel shame with this part of our body. We were taught to hide, to not have conversations. We were taught if it doesn’t look like it looks in the movies, in the porn, like your boyfriend said then something is wrong with us.
Loving your body, understanding your body, and recognizing how you feel about your genitals is an important step in moving forward.
On social media the past week or so, I’ve posted some videos around understanding your pelvic floor and how important it is to LOOK at your vulva and know your anatomy.
I've posted this video for this blog as well for your viewing.
This is so important because there are MANY women and partners in my office saying they “think” they know where their clitoris is, but are unsure.
If I ask them what it feels like when their partner touches, or they touch it, they often make a face… like “well, I don’t know…”
Your clitoris is not the only important part though. It is the most sensitive part and has 8000 nerve endings, but it’s important for you to know your anatomy and how things work.
I recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski PHD, specifically the first few chapters. She discusses how your sexual parts work and the specifics in anatomy of it.
Seriously, take a peek. But more importantly, have your partner look. I know it sounds weird, but there is something empoweirng about laying naked on your bed, legs spread, having your partner stare at your bits.
The conversation often brings up stories you’ve been told… fears you’ve had… for me, it was that the trauma I endured from an assault “ruined and broke” my vagina.
Just knowing what you look like, how it makes you feel, and how you feel naked can improve your body image, make you feel sexy, and can assist you in the bedroom!!
Understand Your Body and How It Works, that can be so powerful.
If You’ve Never Had An Orgasm…
I would definitely be doing you a disservice if I did not mention, that some are unable to orgasm. This is something to discuss with your provider.
Some reasons behind not being able to orgasm may be:
Beliefs and cultural practices
History of sexual trauma
Inability to calm the mind and focus on sex
There is a diagnosis or dysfunction causing the difficulty
It is also important to report that an orgasm does NOT have to occur with only intercourse (penis in the vagina).
Many women, in fact, nearly 70% cannot orgasm with intercourse alone. Some women need clit stimulation, anal stimulation, or even oral sex to reach their climax.
Guess what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you orgasm and how you reach it, as long as of course it is not harming you or your partner.
If you’ve never orgasmed, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Finding sexual joy in another form may help you enjoy it more. Trying different positions, different toys, different types of sex can be exciting and fun.
You are perfect just the way you are!
Yep, I’m going there. Again, because I’ve gone there before. But it is important. Unless there are cultural and religious reasons why this cannot happen, it is highly effective in helping women learn about their body and also learn about what they enjoy.
Many women who do masturbate have an easier time communicating to their partners what it is that they enjoy and how they like it, and they are totally comfortable with reaching climax themselves.
I am a big fan of masturbation with using your hands, not only toys. Toys are amazing (especially a good vibrator!) but using your fingers can add a sensation that you cannot find with the toys.
Some things to consider if you’re going to try:
Make sure you are comfortable, position wise but also where you are.
First try touching areas like your arms, your legs, thighs, hands, etc. We often discount how sensual other areas of our body are.
Use lubricant that you are comfortable using, and fair warning: a little bit goes a long way.
Enjoy and have fun you sex kitten!
Love on yourself a little bit. This is important with my postpartum clients who are fearful of sex after giving birth. I often times will have then start by just looking, then touching other areas, then the area, and going from there!
Once you find out what it is you like, you will be able to better communicate to your sexual partner what you like, or to yourself!
Self Exploration Can Be Quite Helpful..
Communication with your partner
If you’re anything like me, you think that people just read your mind.
Well, I’ve learned that is inaccurate. I’ve learned that if I do not tell my partner I don’t like a certain position it won’t change.
I’ve learned that if I don’t let him know i’m in the mood or not in the mood, we won’t be on the same level.
However, with my history of abuse and my history of thinking sex was only for men’s pleasure… it took me a long time to actually communicate my feelings with my spouse.
It took lots of counseling sessions, lots of homework, tons of new ways to interact with my spouse before we finally had a good rhythm.
I highly recommend counseling for communication, but I want to address the importance of letting your partner know:
What you like and what you don’t like
Things that turn you on vs off
If it hurts
If you would rather sleep, nap, or eat
Why you don’t want him to touch your boobs
Being able to openly speak about these things can be incredibly empowering for you and help you get in the mood. I’ve found being honest, watching his response, and seeing what happens makes me attracted to the thought of having sex more than usual!
Communication With Your Partner
Know Your Pelvic Floor Function
A proper functioning pelvic floor can improve your chances of a great orgasm.
Studies have shown that performing pelvic floor exercises MAY improve sexual arousal and function in women.
It’s important to note that the studies do not report women who do have pelvic floor dysfunction.
My opinion? I believe and have worked with women who have had improved orgasms because of learning how to contract AND relax their pelvic floor but even more so incorporate mindfulness, meditation, visualizaion among other things.
What are your thoughts?!