I have always had an immense amount of respect for women who carry themselves with confidence. That obvious, I’m damn good, confidence.
I have always wanted to have that love, that confidence, that ability to know I’m beautiful. To carry myself in that way. But I haven’t. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced what that feels like quite honestly.
You see, it started when I was a ballet dancer and I was surrounded by women smaller, with better figures, whom were landing the roles I wanted so badly. Even though it seemed like I was the once constantly practicing, consistently in the studio. They did not get breasts at an early age that caused their instructor to say, “You’re getting fat, duct tape them down!” Yes, I was told I’m fat quite often. I was often “let go” of roles because of this. I often was told the reason I was not fit for it was because I have boobs.
I was constantly trying to be skinnier. I’d practice 2 more hours after the actual class was over. I’d practice on weekends. I was duct taping things down, I was wearing super tight undergarments to keep my “rolls” from being visible. I was binge eating, then throwing up, then regretting it when I would constantly get sick. Sounds like so much fun, right?!
You see, I loved food. I always have. I’ve always enjoyed cooking. I love spending time in the kitchen, I love experimenting with different spices and ways to use vegetables or ingredients. But I wouldn’t eat it. I’d try it, then find ways to “starve it off” or “rid of it” quickly. I used to cook to watch others enjoy what I was making. I couldn’t have it, or I’d have to rid of it because it would make me fat.
I was constantly thinking I’m fat. I was constantly thinking I’m ugly. I needed to lose more weight, I needed to be told I was skinny or little. I loved the comment, “you’re so tiny!” It made me feel complete. I NEVER felt like it was enough.
But, thank God, I’ve been able to see things through a clearer vision when I got into the healthcare field. I was able to re-assess and redirect my thoughts towards myself, the way I ate. I now am able to live life with enjoying foods.
You know what makes me feel complete now? Eating good, whole food. Cooking my food. Loving my body. Understanding that it is okay to have a few rolls, it makes me real. It makes me relatable. I’m not perfect. I will always think I can look thinner, be thinner, eat less, do more. But I’m living my life the way I want to, and I’m happy with that.
I’m hoping my “opening up” has become helpful for you to realize it’s okay to be real. It’s okay to love your body and also love food. It’s okay to have a past relationship that did not benefit you. You haven’t run out of time. So keep moving forward!